OCTOBER'S SAD EYES

October 2006-the month and year that my heart suffered from too much pain because of my father's illness. This was the time that I need to accept that our family will no longer be complete because my father will soon leave us. This was the time that my father died..the time that I considered the lowest point in my life..Bit by bit I have accepted it but I still miss my father very much..I want to laugh with him again..I want to argue with him just like the way we argue before..I want to sleep in his big stomach again and hear his heartbeat ..I want him to tease me again..how I miss the feeling of being safe because my father is there to support and fight for me..

But this was also the time that me and my loved one broke-up..I admit..it has been one year already but still, I can't get over him..I still love him so much..I can't believe that I have been able to store this too much pain in my heart for one year.

In the past months, I have done everything to forget this sadness..this feeling of loneliness..I'm back into service, I've focused on my work.. but I can still feel the pain. He was my first love..I loved him with all my heart. He is the only guy that I loved inspite of all the pains that I felt. Because of this pain, I felt that I'm not worthy to be kept and loved.

But because I love him so much, I will let go if that will make him happy..even if I don't know how to deal with my heart's reaction..

I am tired of being lonely..I think I also deserve to be happy..I always hide my loneliness because I am worried in my mother's reaction. But I think this is the time to let go of this loneliness..I think I suffered enough..Though I always say that I will move on, it is not that easy..I'm just hoping and praying to God to purify my heart again..I am not afraid to love and be hurt again..I have no regret having those two important man in my life. But I don't want to see these sad eyes again in my mirror..especially when it's October..